The Disturbing Crack fic
by Rock'n'Slash
Summary: If you like disturbing crack!fics you might as well read it! Be warned- it gave me nightmares! *shudder* Warning: This may cause nausia, fainting, scarring for life, the sudden urge to run around screaming "AHHH! MY EYES!", and the need to see a therapist
1. Poor Snape

Title: The Disturbing Crackfic

Title: The Disturbing Crack!fic

By- Rock'n'Slash

Warnings: VERY DISTURBING MATERIAL!!

Rating- PG-13

Disclaimer- Recognize it, I DO NOT OWN IT!!

Once upon a time, on a beach in Nowhere land, there are two people. Supposed mortal enemies and both really old, everybody is glad that they aren't there. Can you imagine Dumbledore and Voldemort in swimsuits?! YUCK!! But we're getting off topic.

So, on an empty beach there are Voldemort and Dumbledore not killing each other. Why? Because this is a disturbing crack!fic.

Dumblydore is dressed in stunning (bleck!) yellow with hot pink flamingo swimtrunks while Voldie is wearing lime green swimtrunks with coconuts on them (shudder). Then! All of a sudden!

THEY START GOING AT IT!!

#

"AHHHHH!!" Snape screams, falling to the ground holding his head.

"HA! HA! Take that you bastard! Don't ever think about mind-raping me again!!" Harry stands up from his seat in the Great Hall and starts laughing his head off.

Morale- Never try Legilimency on a pissed off teenage with a revenge streak.

A/N- What a good morale.


	2. Poor Harry

Title: Disturbing Crack

Title: Disturbing Crack!fic 2

By: Rock'n'Slash

Rating: PG-13

Warnings- Crack!fic, stupidity, other stuff

Summary- Just another crack-filled story! :D

DISCLAIMER- I OWN NOTHING!!

Once upon a time in a really big awesometastical castle there was a disturbed boy. His name was… THE BOY-WHO-LIVED!! MWAHAHAHAH!! cough Anyway, this boy was very disturbed. Why? Ask Mr. Scary Potions Master and he'll tell you why.

"That boy is sick I tell you!! SICK!!" Somebody bring in the happy men in white lab coats, we got another crazy. I hope they bag that weird bug lady too. Merlin knows she's been lighting up more than incense. (Smile)

Okay, anyway, the Boy is disturbed. If you don't know why then continue reading. Here we go down Memory Lane gasp! I hope we meet the Muffin Man!!

Harry Potter wasn't happy. He walked down the halls of Hogwarts at night and he wasn't happy. _Sick, wrong mental images_, he grumbles to himself. _Sick, wrong Dumbledore and Voldemort. Sick, wrong beach. _Hmm! He stops as he has a sudden flash of INSPIRATION!! (also known as. Manical laughter inducing thought_) I could show that to Snape!_ He smiles, giddily. _YAY!! DIE SNAPE!! DIE!! MWAHAHHAHA!! cough Manical laughter, not cool._

"OH!" _Hmm? What was that?_ He wonders, as he hears a strange sound coming from one of the empty classrooms. Poor, naïve Harry. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE EVER GIVE HIM THE TALK?! WHY!! (hehehehehe!)

Okay, so our dear hero is walking down the hallway towards a room that has weird noises coming out of it while the author is still wondering how he couldn't have ever had THE TALK. Scary right?

Okay everybody say it at the same time now, HARRY NO!! DON'T OPEN THE DOOR!! But alas, he cannot hear us. So he opens the door anyway.

…

"Oh dear, I think we broke his mind."

A/N- Who said it? What is it? WILL HIS MIND EVER BE FIXED?! TUNE IN NEXT CHAPTER TO FIND OUT!!


	3. Um Ew

Title: Disturbing Crack

Title: Disturbing Crack!fic 3

By: Rock'n'Slash

Rating: PG-13

Warnings- Crack!fic, stupidity, other stuff

Summary- Just another crack-filled story! :D

DISCLAIMER- I OWN NOTHING!!

Welcome back to… HARRY POTTER'S WORST NIGHTMARE!! THE GREATEST REALITY T.V. SHOW SINCE OPRAH!! I am your narrator for today and we shall now continue the show.

**.,./.,./.,././././.,./.,././.,././././.,.,.,.,././.,./.,.,.,./.,.,.,./././././././.,.,.,./.,.**

Harry opened his eyes. Why the hell was he on the ground? "Mr. Potter? Are you okay? "Huh? Professor?" Harry blinked blearily as he turned his face towards where he heard McGonagall's voice.

…

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!**

**HOLY EFFIN SHIT!! OH MY MERLIN!! EWWWWWWWWWW!! EW EW EW EW EW EW EW! MY EYES!!"**

And then our poor demented hero fainted again. Poor dude, he's probably scarred for life. "Oh dear, Honey. He's passed out again." "Don't worry my sweet kitty-kat, I'm sure he'll wake back up soon." And then, with no regard to the passed out and scarred for life naïve, little savior on the ground they continued doing what had made him faint in the first place. I will say no more then it included: two bikinis, one pair of handcuffs, one feather boa, a ferret (not Malfoy I'm not that sick), lots of something I'm not even going to think about and Professors McGonagall and Umbridge.

…

Yes, I went there.

**EVERYBODY ON THE COUNT OF THREE!!**

**ONE! TWO! THREE! **

**EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!! SHUDDER **

The End… for now!! MWAHAHAHAHHAHA!!

A/N- Yeah, not one of my best chaps. Didn't quite know where to go with this so I went with the most disgusting thing I could think of…except I didn't add Snape. 


	4. DUMBLEDORE?

Title: Disturbing Crack

Title: Disturbing Crack!fic 4

By: Rock'n'Slash

Rating: PG-13

Warnings- Crack!fic, stupidity, other stuff

Summary- Just another crack-filled story! :D

DISCLAIMER- I OWN NOTHING!! 

A/N- By the way, Abby helped with this fic. 

"Harry," the boy-who-lived turned over. Ron poked him. "Haarrrrrrrryyy," Harry grumbled something Ron didn't catch. "Wake up, Haaarrrrrry," Harry put his pillow on his head. "Dammit, Harry, WAKE UP!!"

"What?"

"Are you ok?" Great. The first time Ron asks him about his feelings is on Saturday morning. This day is now on 'The Worst Days in the History of Days' list.

"Why?"

"Because you kept yelling 'Ron!! Dumbledore!! Nooo!! Don't do it!!' in your sleep. I swear it sounded like you were still awake. Dumbley-bear said he he was going to leave if you didn't shut up."

"What?" Harry turned over to see a lump from his best-mate's bed. There was a pad of gray poking out from under the covers.

"OH MERLIN!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" SOB SOB SOB SOB SOB!!

Poor Harry, he's not having a very good week… and it's about to get worse!!

"AHHHHHHH!!" So, after seeing that horrific sight and having terribly disturbing thoughts, Harry runs screaming out of the dorm and into the Common Room. And this is where the day gets put in the number one spot on 'The Worst Days in the History of Days'. WOOHOO!!

AND……….

HERE I LEAVE YOU WITH A CLIFFHANGER!!

MWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!


	5. No Just, No

Title: Disturbing Crack

Title: Disturbing Crack!fic 4

By: Rock'n'Slash

Rating: PG-13

Warnings- Crack!fic, stupidity, other stuff

Summary- Just another crack-filled story! :D

DISCLAIMER- I OWN NOTHING!! 

By the way- Some awesome reviewer, Circle M (You Rock!), gave me a wonderful idea for this chap!

So, Harry's running down the stairs to the Common Room. He just saw one thing NOBODY ever would want to…Dumbledore/Ron. You know that makes me wonder what Molly would say right now. … On the other hand, I don't want to know! :)

Okay! Back to the plot, (Abby- OMG!! THERE'S A PLOT??). Yes my dear readers, there is a plot. And now I must continue with it.

"OH MERLIN!! NEVILLE!!" Harry stopped in horror at the bottom of the stairs and shook his head. "EEK!!" Neville started, pulling Trevor away from his face. "Neville, no. Just…let's forget this ever happened ok?"

"Heh, um… yeah H-Harry! And you won't tell anyone right? I mean, my Gran and Ginny-"

"Trust me Nev. No-one would ever want to know…not even me. I wonder if I can Obliviate myself…"

And with that, he left the Common Room. "PLEASE WHOEVER IS LISTENING!! PLEASE DON'T LET THERE BE ANYTHING ELSE!!"

Chap.5- Finite :) YAY!! This one isn't as random though. SORRY! The next chap. will be up soon I think!!


	6. Not The CLOSET!

Title: Disturbing Crack

Title: Disturbing Crack!fic 6

By: Rock'n'Slash

Rating: PG-13

Warnings- Crack!fic, stupidity, other stuff

Summary- Just another crack-filled story! :D

DISCLAIMER- I OWN NOTHING!! 

A/N- Abby helped!!

AND…WE'RE BACK!! Harry has just jinxed himself (silly boy) by wishing there wasn't anything, or anybody, else he could stumble across on his way to the Great Hall. :)

He suspiciously peers around on corner. It's quiet, too quiet. No, wait! Scratch that. It's not. But, thankfully, by now Harry knows better than to go towards the noises. So he walks past the supply closet and down the hall. Then he walks by it again. And again. And again.

"What the hell? Why am I going in circles?!"

_Because Hogwarts wants you to Harry._

"What?! Who's there?"

_I am the voice from beyond the awesomeness!_

"Huh?"

_That means I'm beyond awesome! :)_

"Okay… why does Hogwarts want me to open the door?"

_Uh… let's just say she has a twisted sense of humor and leave it at that, eh? (')_

Harry opened the door that Hogwarts had made him. He heard moaning. It made him shudder. He opened the door to see...

"AHHH!! MY EYES!!" Harry screamed. It was George wrapped in Filch's arms. "FRED!! GEORGE IS..."

Fred came running around the corner. He stood in shock. Hopefully he would put an end to this like Harry thought. But, no.

"George!! How could you?"

"I was just having some fun!!"

"But how could cheat on me like this!?"

"You don't have to be left out, Fred,"

Filch smiled and pulled him into the closet and closed the door. Harry was left twitching in the hallway. Then he started mumbling.

"I saw nothing. I am not here. I heard nothing. The sky is not purple. I will never speak of this again. I need to get drunk."

And with that last thought in his mind, he continued on his quest to get to the Great Hall unscathed, or relatively unscarred for life.


	7. Tower of DOOM!

Title: Disturbing Crack

Title: Disturbing Crack!fic 7

By: Rock'n'Slash

Rating: PG-13

Warnings- Crack!fic, stupidity, other stuff

Summary- Just another crack-filled story! :D

DISCLAIMER- I OWN NOTHING!! 

A/N- Abby helped!!

_O Merlin!_ Harry thought. Hogwarts was doing it again. She kept bringing him back to the Divination Tower. "VOICE! WHERE ARE YOU!"

_What the hell do you want again?! Geeze! Can I not have a moments peace?! NO! its always; Voice! Voice! HELP ME VOICE! SHUDDUP! :(_

Harry was shocked. "Umm..sorry?"

_No, I'm sorry. I kinda over-reacted a little bit! SORRY! :)_

_Ok. So what's your problem?_

Knowing now that the voice was bipolar and crazy and all-knowing and awesome and…

"Hey! Wait! I'm not saying that!" Harry, you have no choice. Haven't we gone over this already. I'm the authoress, you are the person I tortu- umm…uh…yeah. Anyway, so Harry answers the voice.

"Well, Hogwarts is doing that thing where she makes me go around in circles again." Harry said nervously, this really wasn't his week.

All I can say is DON'T HATE ME!! IT WASN'T MY IDEA!! SOB!

Harry had the strangest feeling that the Voice had run away crying. "Umm… Ok?" Well, the Voice wasn't much help. _Maybe I can just open the door with my eyes closed._

So Harry does something very stupid. He opens the door. Sure he had his eyes closed but you can't keep your eyes closed forever. Especially if you're Harry Potter and if you're Harry Potter in MY story! :)

"AHHHH!!"

"What's wrong my dear boy?"

"Mr. Harry Potter sir looks scarred for life."

"I am scarred for life Dobby!! I have just walked in on you and Professor bug-eyes!!"

"Mr. Harry Potter sir doesn't need to be insulting."

"I'm going to go get drunk now."

"Have fun Mr. Harry Potter sir."

Harry turned around to see Dumbledore go into the same room that Ron had just gone it, and the same one Filch, Fred, and George had tumbled out of.

"Oh Fish nuggets."


	8. Waffles?

Title: Disturbing Crack!fic 8

By: Rock'n'Slash

Rating: PG-13

Warnings- Crack!fic, stupidity, other stuff

Summary- Just another crack-filled story! :D

DISCLAIMER- I OWN NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Also, lots and lots of Thanks to my wonderful reviews!!!! Thanks to Kiss it Better, Circle M, maximumfan, silverbirch, Stickman-sam, Spirit8395, Abby [rolls eyes], TheCresentMoonWriter, and JLRivera. **

**Kiss it Better- You were my first reviewer! YAY!!!!**

**Circle M- I love your continuations! They rock and so do you! **

**maximumfan- As much as I love reviews, gosh darnit WRITE!!!! Geeze. **

**silverbirch- You use very big, confuzzling words. :D **

**Stickman-sam : Awesome name. I'm very glad I could make it random enough. :D**

**Spirit8395- WRITE!!!! Make some more HP fics. Or BtVS.**

**Abby- You are an idiot. And you and Elmo can't have Sheba. EVER! :) Haha.**

**TheCresentMoonWriter- Awesome name. And thanks. I thought this was an appropriate title. :D**

**JLRivera- Does the fact that I am acknowledging you for a very not nice review annoy you? Hmmm?**

**And on to the story!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

Poor, poor Harry still hasn't gotten his drink. In fact, he hasn't gotten anything close to food or water or coffee. Which is horrible. The food and the water not so much but the COFFEE?!!! AHHH!!!!!

Oh the horror. Of course, considering the other things that Harry's been through maybe not having coffee isn't that bad....nah.

Anyway, so Harry is back to trying to get safely to the Great Hall [hahahahah!]. He really should know better.

He's walking down a hallway, which one I don't think even he knows, and all of a sudden…

-sniff- "Are those waffles?" He questions. Silence is his answer. "I'll just take that as a 'yes'," he mutters, hungry enough to not care about what he might find.

He sniffs his way down the hall, stomach grumbling all the way. When he reaches the door where the smell was coming from, he noticed that there were muffled shouts coming from inside. _Am I really hungry enough to open that door and face whatever tramatic, scarring for life thing that may be behind it?_

–grumble!grumble!-

"Fine, stomach. I'll go in but I know I won't like it."

So our hungry hero opens the dreadfully, scary door from which the delicious smells and muffled yells are coming from. And then he blinks in shock as he stares at the really scary, disturbing, frighting sight. Do you wanna know what it is???? Hmmm????

It was The Bloody Baron yelling at Peeves. Yeah, not that uncommon but what they were yelling about was what scared him. They were yelling about… WAFFLES!!!!

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! PEEVES!! MY WAFFLES!!!!!"

"Hahahahahaah!!!!!" Peeves cackles after he hits The Bloody Baron with another water balloon.

Harry blinks, standing there in the doorway for a moment. Then he notices that The Baron has a platter in his ghostly hands. Weird. He didn't know that ghosts could hold stuff. Oh well.

So lets recap. Harry is hungry and still trying to get to The Great Hall without any mishaps when he foolishly opens the door that leads to the scene of The Bloody Baron and Peeves screaming about waffles. … There must be something in the pumpkin juice or something else because this is one screwed up castle.

Anyway, back to the story.

"PEEVES!!!! I'M GOING TO RE-KILL YOU!!!!!!"

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

The platter of waffles falls to the floor after The Baron exits the room via the wall, ghosting after Peeves who appears to be floating for his un-life.

Standing there in the doorway with a very funny look on his face, Harry only had this to say…

"Yep. Never gonna eat waffles ever again."

And with that declaration, he started to walk down the hallway again. TO HIS DOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! –whack!- Bad Voldemort!!! Stay away from my computer!!!!

Chapter End!

A/N- This chapter is brought to you by the jigglypuffs.


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